i am bored with my blog, and my following on blogger, so i am going to try to do a little experiment. oh, i have just had an idea: my facilitator at the ryan wellness center, where i regularly attend, has suggested i write about depression: describe it, and describe a scene with it.
it is not exactly as if i am always, or usually, depressed: in fact i am not. although i was temporarily depressed throughout my mid-twenties, generally, i'm a pretty happy dude. this has been true, recently, especially.
---
if depression was a character, it would be dark, quiet, and dull.
it is unfeeling. it is a clod. it doesn't do anything, and it's the type
of character who is so dumb, he is dangerous.
my depression is a tall, silent figure known as 'hop'.
i had been in jail for 9 1/2 months. every day, it was the same depressing
environment, the same depressing scene: not enough to eat, what food we got was
very low-quality, same dumb guards, same routine, same tacky colors on the
doors & chairs (sea-foam green, and ugly, dark red), same incessant din,
everyone's skin had a dull complexion, everything was dirty and lackluster, and
reflected grey light, same numb-skulls, can't get away.
one day, hop joined my dinner table. i asked him his name. he said 'hop'. it
was one of the few things he ever said to me, before or after. otherwise, he
was silent, no words to offer. he was dense, unthinking. he was murderous. he
was an animal. he was the bad green mile.
we sat at the same dinner table for 1 month, for 3 meals a day. i told many
stories at the dinner table. every day, i would experience the same
frustrations with my whole situation;
for more than 1 month, the judge displayed her lack of honor by lying to me
about when i could go home. i had been to court 3 times, and all 3 times, she
had promised me 'in 2 weeks' i would be released. but every time 2 weeks would
get here, she would make up some excuse to hold me in jail for 2 more weeks
(this was for possession of pot). i became extremely frustrated at having my
hope dashed like that. this was not justice, and i knew it. i was feeling very
powerless. i felt an intense disappointment, and anger.
one day, i was watching tv in the common room, and i wanted to know what time
it was- because lunch was coming soon. but i couldn't see the clock on the
wall. so i asked hop, who was sitting behind me, if he could see it. no, he
couldn't, he said. at first i didn't believe him. so i asked him again. he
responded in anger, turning on me, and punching me 3 times on my head and my
neck, knocking me up against the wall. 'i can't believe that shit' i thought,
tonguing my teeth to make sure there were all there... 'i can't believe he did that. did you see this ------?' incredulous, i asked the
guard. then, hop punched me three more times, and when i felt my mouth this
time, i was missing my front, right tooth.
i became insane...
i was destroyed by his violence, i'm a victim of his
brutality, i suffer from his insensitivity, wounded by his unintelligence.
i chose this
image because hop, like depression, is mindlessly destructive. i thought he
would be a fitting character for my depression.
---
all in all, like i said: i am pretty happy, recently. i am trying to be, that's for sure. i have discovered a new level of freedom: i have a green bag & a bicycle. i carry everything that i need on my person. nothing can hold me down to any one place, so i am completely mobile, and everything i own is usually within my area of ten feet. and there is something very nice to not having to worry about anything that you possess, that is located ten miles, twenty miles away. it's more like bein an animal: a turtle or a bird carries its shell or its feathers and wings, which are all that it needs, wherever it goes (it doesn't leave them in the nest, trusting that no one will steal them while it is gone, to find [or not to find] them later). there is comfort in this way of life.
i sleep where i want'a sleep. my life is uncluttered. i always knew that i was a minimalist.
having a warm house to go to would be good, especially when the weather is so cold, which is why i am trying to change the payee system. as soon as i can arrange a direct deposit, i will have the freedom to leave boulder, and, as a matter of fact, travel anywhere i want in the united states.
my vision is, for the next few years, i will be a traveler. i get about 700 a month, so i would be able to afford an occasional restaurant or motel or hotel. i could also afford the occasional gift. i predict i will be vagabond for at least a couple more years, 'cause i need to travel, to see more of the world- education, and i would be unwilling to settle down in any one place any more than i need to. there's so much more world to see.
as great as it would be to sleep indoors, it's just something that i'm still working on.
❤️
ReplyDelete